khristi lauren adams on girlhood
name | khristi lauren adams
describe your sisterhood in 3 words | honest, loyal, inspiring
her most recent book | parable of the brown girl: the sacred lives of girls of color
song currently fueling your soul | black parade by beyoncé
your current inspiration | as usual, the black girls around me continue to inspire me!
COMMUNITY CARE
what do sisterhood and black girlhood/womanhood mean to you, and how has it informed and shaped your journey?
i started a conference called the becoming conference, and there was one part of it where we had a break, and we had a dj. about 125 girls were dancing and having a great time, and i had an epiphany at that moment. these girls don't need all of this programming. they just wanted a space where they could be themselves. they wanted to dance, have fun, and be around one another. when i was writing the book [parable of the brown girl], i had asked myself, "where do black girls feel the freest?" the answer to that question is around each other. that's when they can be free. they don't have to qualify their skin, their hair, or their weight, or whatever. they can just be.
my philosophy, which i tell the girls i work with, is to make sure you're around one another. to carve out spaces to be with your black and brown sisters. it is vital to our existence and to our personhood. it's beyond this notion of sisterhood; it's not just a concept anymore. it is about our livelihood. it's imperative for the mental health of black women and girls to be in spaces around one another and congregate with each other. to link up, lean on, and confide in each other. it's a vitamin, a dose you take for your sanity. we have to do it. make sure not to exclude anyone and make sure to open yourself up. often, we feel like we are going through things in isolation when, in reality, most of us are going through similar experiences. sisterhood is vital for black women.
how do we create spaces in gospel-centered communities where black people can be themselves and truly be heard and uplifted without being umpired?
many churches, especially the "multicultural" ones that aren't historically black, shy away from affinity groups and affirming black women's blackness. the only time they will separate is for men and women or marrieds and singles. that's as far as their spiritual imagination can go. they don't understand how imperative these spaces are for us. it's not until they understand how life-sustaining it is for us as women, particularly when it comes to blackness, they're just not going to get it. they don't understand. they think we are congregating just to be exclusive. they don't have the revelation that it is necessary, nor do they know how exhausting it is to live in a world where you are literally the minority—"the other"—in every space that you go. not only are you the “other," but you are "othered" by the people around you. they don't understand how ostracizing and isolating it can be. the only time they get a concept of that is when they get accused of white privilege and are exhausted by the conversation. that's the only time they feel a bit of discomfort, but then they rush out of it.
people don't understand how we exist in this world, nonstop, because they've only had brief glimpses of it. if they did, then they would create those spaces for black women and girls. that creative programming is often viewed as being anti-christ and exclusive. they're very focused on "on earth as it is in heaven." so they think of the aesthetic and the visual and neglect the internal and how it feels. as it is in heaven, we will not feel excluded because we will not see one another. that is not a reality for black women and girls right now, so the church needs to create spaces where they can feel like their complete selves.
SPIRITUAL CARE
you once said, “if we fail to value the image of black girls, we miss an essential part of God’s image.” how has that affected the way you view God?
Imago Dei is a concept i learned in seminary, but lived it out when i lived in la. i was a campus pastor, and the lead campus pastor used to preach sermons, and all his images had to be representative and reflective of the student body. he would get on me about my pictures too because i had to do the same preaching. there couldn't just be one anything, and i loved that. i would preach and be very conscious of the images i was putting up. he showed me what it meant to live out Imago Dei. since i am a black woman, and we are already marginalized, i didn't have a problem perceiving people as Imago Dei. but it challenged me to be very sensitive and conscious of being more inclusive. i can learn a little more about God from people different from me.
the other day i did a zoom talk, and there was no closed captioning. a woman pointed it out, and we had to wait for half an hour, cringe, but this woman on the panel with me explained how there are people that you have to prioritize in inclusivity. some people can't hear and have to read the captions. so if that means we will have to be uncomfortable for half an hour while people try to figure it out, then we get a glimpse into their world. and it did make me uncomfortable. but i have been very sensitive to that ever since. i learned a lot at that moment, and i learned a lot about God.
how did you learn to hear God’s voice so you could discern his call on your life?
that will always be a thing i have to sift through, till the day i die. it's like russian roulette. you're hoping and praying for the best, but you're also not sure where it will land. you think it's something God wants you to do, or doesn't, but it will always be like that. i, like other christians, will look for confirmation. but discerning God's voice for me is learning how to trust yourself in that process as well. we second guess our intuition a lot. we see red flags; we question them, but then we talk ourselves out of it convincing ourselves they were actually blue. many times in my life, i had that feeling and pushed it to the side. or i have thought something was wrong with me and i was overreacting.
gone are those days for me now. if i have a feeling, i'm looking into it. i'm believing myself and the Holy Spirit inside of me. you can't take yourself out of that equation because God is speaking through your vessel—through you. you have to come to a place where you trust yourself to carry God's Word and that message. like mary, "be it unto me according to your will." God placed Jesus inside of her, and she had to entrust her own body to emotionally and physically carry this child. God speaks into us. he speaks to our spirit. we have to trust that that's what that is. sometimes that's not always the case, but i'm trying to learn to trust myself a little more and trust my vessel. it starts with what we like to call our intuition, that gut feeling. that's probably God telling us to pay attention.
PHYSICAL CARE
you’ve dedicated your career to advocating for black girls, but how do you find a healthy balance between supporting others and taking care of yourself?
i used to go to this gym called core fit. or i would go to la fitness and swim a few laps. but what i love about core fit is that i wouldn't be thinking about anything during those 45 minutes to an hour. when i was done, i felt like i had gotten a break, and my mind was a little clearer. i needed to be present and not think about anything. it's hard because we are such multitaskers, and so many things are vying for our attention. it isn't easy to find spaces where you can completely shut off. we try to do all these things, like yoga, but it can be difficult to shut your mind off.
now that i can't go to the gym, i still try to work out to get my energy out; that’s the physical aspect of it. my friends are essential to me, and i talk to my best friend multiple times a day. i must have those connections. i have been trying to listen to this book called liturgy of the ordinary: sacred practices in everyday life by tish harrison warren. it's about ordinary life, but that being very worshipful. it's a part of liturgy, the things we do, and taking those things seriously, and knowing that God is present in those everyday moments. so i'll listen to it at night. i try to do things that aren't demanding, and i can take a break and feed my spirit. i try to find joy, but it's been a little harder this year because my routine was interrupted. it also feels like death is everywhere. before, we had places where we could go to escape it, but it's causing more mental frustration for everyone. we have to find spaces for joy even more intentionally than we did before.
if you could steer the conversation around black girls and wellness, what would you focus on?
i am always talking to young black girls and telling them to make sure they are tending to the spiritual, emotional, and physical aspects of their life. and that won't always be the case, but it's so important because it contributes to your wholeness. it's important to be a whole person, despite society picking away at who you are and trying to get you away from that. prioritize those things and do what's best for you.
mentally, know when to check out. your mind needs a break because it cannot contain it all. you have to be that honest with yourself. identify what needs to be removed or where you need to make a change in a particular area. get ahead of it. pull the reins and discipline yourself when you're feeling exhausted. you don't have to make any significant changes. you just have to tend to those areas of who you are. when you're feeling off in a particular area, ask yourself what you can do more of or what you can take away.
SELF-CARE
in your book, which parable did you relate to most as a girl, and which one do you find yourself relating to the most today?
i relate to all of them. but, mostly, the "parable of the weak brown girl" and the "parable of the voiceless brown girl." that chapter goes through the different areas of our voices that society often attacks like not believing us, labeling us as having an attitude or being too loud. black women and girls, like everyone else, are just trying to find their voice. but they have an added layer of other things they have to go through to even get to their voice. people not believing their voices and attacking their voices. it will always be about me trying to find my voice in these different spaces. i know how to code-switch, but at what point do i become firm? we will always navigate these things, and we will never get it right 100% of the time, so it will always be one i relate to.
finding strength in weakness is also one i will always have to navigate because black women have to be strong all the time. when i signed the deal to write parable of the brown girl, the first girl i thought about was the 9-year-old who asked, "why did God make me a warrior when i'm really just weak?" so many girls came to mind, but she stuck out the most. what she asked me about was so spot on to where i was in life. that will always be an existential question, and i will never forget her for that.
what advice would you give young girls and women who are struggling to break away from the narrative the world has given them and embrace the one that God has created for them?
it isn't easy, and i bought into those narratives for a long time. i bought into images that were put onto me, and i didn't even realize it. as christian women, we have to learn how to walk in freedom and walk in truth. we have to live more honestly. the only way we can live authentically is if we live honestly. i think God knows how we're feeling even before we do, and he appreciates our honesty. we teach suppression way too much, suppressing our emotions, and forming ourselves into the image of Christ by putting away things of the flesh. somewhere in that message, we lost the nuance of it. it turned into more than just putting away. there's a difference between rejecting the things that are not of God versus rejecting yourself altogether. so many parts of our identity get rejected along with that.
we have to live as honestly as possible when it comes to communicating with God and our relationship with him. we have to put it all out on the table. we have to ask God what it means to live like that. i wrote my first book, the misinterpreted gospel of singleness, and it was about the myths around singleness, and it was a journey for me to reject things that had been put onto me—ideologies. they were trying to force me into a space i wasn't ready for or felt pressured to conform to. there's a lot of that within the christian community. so writing that book was an example of that journey—living honestly. i had to say, "wait a minute. this isn't true." i realized many of those ideologies weren't placed on me by God, but by people around me. you must be submitted to Christ and learn how to decipher what is part of the christian culture and what is actually from God. i think we have gotten the two conflated.
share a message from your present self, to the woman you are today.
don’t second guess yourself. stay on track and don’t be swayed by anything. go with what you’re feeling and sensing because that’s the right path. it’s time for you to be your own prophet.
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*this conversation is about womanhood.
