rachel symone gilliam on the perfectionist trap
name | rachel symone gilliam
affirm your identity | live your best life on purpose
book on your must-read list | the vanishing half by britt bennet
song currently fueling your soul | by yourself x ty dolla $ign because it makes me feel empowered to do big things all on my own.
current inspiration l i am surrounded by so many amazing woc doing big things. i’m constantly amazed by les alfred, founder of balanced black girl, and taylor shead, ceo of STEMuli tech. i also can’t get enough of brown girl self-care and could consume anything and everything that cole arthur riley shares via black liturgies (and thrilled that she wrote a book).
COMMUNITY CARE
what does sisterhood mean to you, and how has it helped you navigate through your grief?
there are friends, and then there are sisters, so i love this distinction between sisterhood and friendship. i think of sisterhood as people who are in the trenches with you. the people you can show your whole heart and soul to and know they will love you all the same. vulnerability is so important to me in every aspect of my life. if i can’t show up as my full self, i don’t want to show up at all. sisterhood and this theme of authenticity and wholeness in my relationships have been critical to my grief journey. when i am not having a good day, need a shoulder to cry on, or am missing my late husband, i need to be able to be real about that to the people on my home team. i couldn’t imagine going through everything i’ve been through without my girls.
what advice would you give women who struggle with perfectionism and have a hard time showing up as their imperfect selves?
man, this is something i still struggle with every day—every single day. over the past couple of years, my obsession with perfectionism has become overbearing. it is something i focus on more in therapy than i do grief, if you can believe that. the first thing i would tell a woman struggling with perfectionism is that you’re not alone. i know that because some of my most engaged with content is when i open up about my struggles, and i’m overwhelmed by the “sis, me too” responses. the next thing i’ll say, and brace yourself because it is super profound, is to do it anyway. whatever “it” is for you. do it scared. do it imperfectly. do it wishing you hadn’t. do it wondering how you’ll take the next step. just do it. show up. publish the piece. shoot your shot. record the video. launch the blog. the world needs your ideas, your visions, and your dreams. we don’t care if you do it imperfectly. that’s a part of the magic.
the last thing i’ll add is that showing up imperfectly is something everyone is doing. i know that because i know for a fact that no one is perfect. every masterpiece you see could be better. that’s just the reality of this side of eternity, where perfection is not a reality. give yourself space to grow and improve, but first, you have to simply start. the world needs you, and there is a gift inside of you that is waiting to be birthed, and we don’t care if it’s perfect or not. we just want you, as you are.
SPIRITUAL CARE
how has seeing a therapist affected your spiritual walk?
more than anything, therapy reminds me just how human i am; that i am broken and in desperate need of a savior. i’m forced to face my obsession with perfection and impossible expectations of myself and others and choose grace, compassion, and forgiveness instead. there are also a lot of things that come up that i truly can’t face on my own—it’s a constant reminder that apart from God, i am nothing (and i’m okay with that).
what convictions guide you as you leave space for the gray areas of life?
my tendency to crave perfection doesn’t always leave space for gray or grace. life can be very black and white for me, and that makes me harder on others and myself. walking through hard seasons has softened my heart and forced me to lead with compassion and understanding because you genuinely don’t know what people are going through. i want people to feel like they can be broken or whole around me. whether they woke up feeling like they are their best self or just trying to survive. when i find myself being too hard on myself or thinking, “i would never do that, why would they do that?” i try to ask myself, am i being overly critical? is this a space that i need to let more gray and grace into? hint: the answer to both questions is usually yes.
PHYSICAL CARE
how are you learning to embrace and love your body?
this is always surprising to people, but body image is something i have always struggled with. i remember my senior year of high school and being so obsessed with being skinny. i was working out multiple times a day and counting my calories so closely. it was a dark time that i don’t usually speak openly about. fast forward, and i’m in college and gained back all of the weight i had lost and then some. i gained over 30 pounds my freshman year, and no one would let me forget it every time they saw me. “oh, the food must be so good at acu,” while looking me up and down. sigh. weight loss or gain is something that you can’t hide from, and back then, there wasn’t as much empowerment to set boundaries about what people could or couldn’t say about your body.
i remember praying to God about my body and my relationship with food because i reached a point where i couldn’t do it on my own. i’d like to say that everything changed that day, but it didn’t. it’s been a gradual, continual, daily prayer for the Lord to be near in this part of my life.
i’ve been smaller than i am now and wanted to gain weight. i’ve been thicker than i am now and wanted to lose weight. the greatest lesson i’ve learned over the years is to do what makes me feel good. whatever that is. i feel my best when i’m eating multiple servings of vegetables a day and fueling my body with nutrient-dense foods and supplements. i also make it a point to practice balance and not live in the black and white that i mentioned earlier. i can focus on the things that feel good for my body: intermittent fasting, extra servings of vegetables, and supplements, while also making space for the things that feel good for my soul: wine nights, my mom’s buttermilk biscuits, and trying new restaurants downtown.
you talk openly about your mental health struggles. what have those experiences taught you about resilience and grace?
i consider most days that i can get out of bed a win. i mean, if i stop and think about it, most things give me anxiety. i wake up with a sense of dread almost every day, and being able to push past that is a huge feat for me. i’ve learned that certain things *should* be simple for me, but because of my anxiety and probably other reasons that we haven’t gotten to yet in therapy, they aren’t. instead of being hard on myself about that, i extend grace to myself. sure, this is harder for me than it might be for someone else, i choose to be patient and meet myself with compassion to get through it.
SELF-CARE
how has jomo affected the way you practice self-care?
jomo, the joy of missing out, is something i am continually pursuing. i will always have a lot on my plate because being still and resting does not come naturally to me. so, i aimed to change this. i set aside every friday night for myself and declined all plans so i could spend friday intentionally pursuing the joy of missing out. i’ll be honest, it wasn’t easy, and there were a lot of fridays that i wanted to give up on this goal, but forcing myself into stillness and self-care was one of the best things i could have done for myself while i was in a season of healing. saying no, especially when it’s difficult, and allowing yourself to rest and be still is the ultimate form of self-care, especially in a world that is always telling us to go, move, and do.
plot twist: being still and resting still does not come naturally to me, but after spending a year chasing after jomo, saying no to put myself and my needs first does.
what does ‘starting scared’ mean to you, and how has it allowed you to step more fully into yourself?
i sit on so many good ideas and dreams because i am worried about them being perfect, which isn’t fair to me. after all, perfection will never come, so i’m setting myself up to fail from the start. starting scared means i don’t know if i am going to take this next step and land on my face, but i’m going to take it regardless. even if i land on my face, it’s a lesson i’ll learn for the next journey i’m ready to embark on.
earlier this year, i heard a sermon that gave a really good basketball analogy for all of my sports fans out there. the pastor said, “some of you are being called to take the game-winning shot and you’re passing instead and calling it humility when really it’s disobedience.”
whew. i passed a lot because i was scared to step into my full potential and call it humility. but baby, i know i am called to shoot my shot in every situation. this year was such a pivotal year for me because i decided just to start. starting scared and not knowing what the heck i am stepping into, but trusting the One who called me.
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*this conversation is about perfectionism and anxiety.
