adria freshley on finding self-worth
name | adria freshley
affirm your identity | your presence matters.
book on your must-read list | becoming by michelle obama
song currently fueling your soul | and we remain by johnnyswim
current inspiration l 30 minutes with the perrys
COMMUNITY CARE
how would you describe the shared struggle black girls deal with that’s different from other girls?
it feels like we have to try that much harder to prove that we belong and have the same value as a woman who is not black, at least in america. it can lead to, or at least in my life, has led to deep struggles with identity and worth. we get dismissed a lot with sentiments like “well everybody wrestles with that, it’s part of being human.” and that’s not untrue. but for a black girl, for us, a significant part of that fight stems from the fact that our skin is brown and everything that gets attached to that living in the society we live in today.
“do you really think that holding back your presence, opinions, and involvement will have no consequences on yourself and others?” how has this quote changed how you show up in the world and engage with those around you?
it’s included a very conscious effort of choosing to say something. i get this physiological reaction when i know i should say something, and that’s sort of my cue that i should speak. i tend not to speak unless i feel like what i’m going to say will be of some major importance. but recently, i’ve been practicing taking off that pressure and saying what comes to mind (more or less). it’s so, so easy for me to invalidate myself, my gifts, my expertise, my input, my voice. it’s really, really hard not to. what i’m having to learn now is to be okay with that uncomfortable cringe feeling when i do choose to assert myself.
SPIRITUAL CARE
how did faith play a role in a season of life where God was shaping your identity instead of your experiences?
a huge way my faith helps shape my identity is through scripture. i took up a practice this year where each month; i take a blank index card and on one side write a lie i’ve believed either about me, about God, about how other people experience me. on the other side, i write a verse or multiple verses/truths that directly combat that lie. then i read it every day (or try, i forget some days). when a new month comes, time to confront another lie. especially the lies about God. a. w. tozer has a quote that says, “what comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.” and it is so true. when i allowed myself to be brutally honest about it, i realized that there were a lot of things i believed about God that my brain knew were not true, yet i was living like they were. the practice of just being honest with him has helped me be more free and has opened the door for me to take steps toward embracing my true identity.
what unique aspects of God have you discovered while learning to embrace being an introvert?
i’ve learned that i was made the way i was made on purpose and there’s no “better” way to be. we are all created in the image of God, and he’s so vast and multifaceted. he chose a unique blend of aspects of himself that he wants me to reflect—on purpose. it’s him we’re reflecting, so it has to be good.
PHYSICAL CARE
how have you learned not to fall victim to the visual standards projected through images on social media?
i have a really amazing community of accounts i follow who don’t just post their good days and fun times, but share when they’re having a hard body image day, or when anxiety is almost crippling them, or when they’re just tired. and it’s a reminder to me that being perfect is not a thing. as i’ve gone to therapy, read books, and listened to podcasts on mental health, i have felt a shift where i give myself more permission to take breaks when i’m falling into comparison, feeling extra discouraged, or burnt out.
i also have to remind myself constantly that instagram is not real life. while cool connections and even close friendships have developed through instagram that never would have happened otherwise, it’s the people in my day-to-day life, the people who are actually invested in me, who i need to be present with. i find when i’m able to do that; i get trapped in comparison less.
what parts of your identity have you learned to reconcile, or are learning how to reconcile?
i’m having to learn, and relearn, and relearn, and relearn that what i do is not who i am. who i am is not what i do. historically, i’ve allowed my identity to hinge upon having an occupation, and then on top of that, having a career that i thought the people in my community would validate. i’ve had to learn that crafting a life around what people believe is not only exhausting but impossible to be fulfilled in.
SELF-CARE
how are you learning not to let what “feels true” dictate what “is true”?
i’m learning how to pay attention to all my thoughts, especially when i’m having feelings of shame, inadequacy, or inferiority. then i can consciously say, “oh, this is what i am thinking about myself, but is it true?” that’s what i’m working towards, but right now, it mostly looks like me journaling out my feelings and noticing that i’m writing a lot of “i feel like...” statements. it’s then that i can stop and remind myself that feelings are not always the truth. i am feeling this, but is it true? then i have to decide what is true is true, even when i’m feeling the opposite. but that’s so much easier said than done. it’s easier to believe the bad things about myself, the same negative thoughts i’ve convinced myself are true. the truth that oh, i am valuable; oh, i am worth loving; oh, i do have something significant to bring to the table often feels foreign. i would say i am very much a work in progress in this area, but that’s my process right now.
as you reclaim parts of yourself that have been concealed or misunderstood, what do you have to learn or unlearn?
i’m having to learn that being me isn’t a bad thing. i’m learning that someone not accepting a particular aspect of me doesn’t make that part of me bad. just because someone dislikes that i don’t speak up more often in conversation doesn’t mean being quiet is a flaw. i’m having to learn (and this is a hard one) that just because i don’t fit into someone else’s definition of what it means to be black doesn’t make me any less black or any less authentic of a person. it’s a season of learning that feelings are not fact, and also a huge season of understanding that other people’s opinions do not get to shape my identity. my identity has already been given to me, and now i get to learn how to walk in it.
share a message from your present self, to the woman you are today.
don’t worry about trying to arrive and don’t be afraid of changing. you are always becoming, and that’s the way it’s supposed to be.
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*this conversation is about developing self-worth.
