mary calliste on our identity in Christ
name | mary
affirm your identity | i am a child of God created to do good works.
book on your must-read list | half of a yellow sun by chimamanda ngozi-adichie
song currently fueling your soul | have my heart by maverick city music
current inspiration l the moments unplugged collective has inspired me to seek compassion, freedom, and transformation and help others find the same.
COMMUNITY CARE
how has sisterhood and black womanhood guided your identity formation?
sisterhood provides me with a safe sense of belonging. it’s such a wonderful feeling to walk into a space and know that you’ll be understood and supported. when i think of the literal definition of hood, it means a covering. many black women have come alongside to cover me and champion me in different areas of my life—my career, faith, relationships, etc. their simple and random acts of kindness and intentional conversations have significantly impacted my life and how i show up in the world as a woman. there is always something i can glean from another woman, and there is something about my sisterhood that makes it ever so special.
do you ever feel pressure to assimilate when navigating black american spaces, white spaces, or caribbean spaces?
there is a sense of pressure to assimilate, especially since i never grew up in the united states. i consciously did not think i needed to adjust, but trying to fit into a culture that already had a standard meant that i needed to subscribe to the standards to find my place of belonging. growing up in the caribbean, my mannerisms are very different from american mannerisms. i remember in college, i would often walk into a room and say good morning to everyone, something that was culturally expected in any caribbean culture, but whenever i entered the classroom and said good morning, no one would respond. i quickly realized that this was not common. i think i adopted an unwritten rule, and not to stand out for the ‘wrong’ reasons i had to assimilate. that also looked like being really conscious about my choice of words and not speaking in my dialect in black or white american spaces.
SPIRITUAL CARE
what does it mean to be a black woman of faith living in america?
to be a black woman of faith in america means that i need to listen to my gospel music before entering predominantly white churches (ha!). no, but seriously, it means i get to live boldly and freely from the inside-out, and i fully embrace that! to live wholly and freely is something that my ancestors desired, but few had the chance to live out fully. many black women never had the privilege of showing up and fully being themselves without being othered, without facing prejudice, or even being silenced, especially in their faith. as a result, being bold, being all that i am, and unapologetic about it is so important for me. when i show up to spaces, whether it’s church, corporate spaces, or elsewhere, i carry confidence knowing i am a black woman of faith.
how are you learning to entrust your story to God as you reclaim and honor it?
i hold on to life tightly, but loosely. my story is deep and painful in many aspects. i am learning to entrust my story to God by inviting him to be ever-present in my relationships, dreams, and plans. i share my passions, my wants, and my aches with God. it’s so special to me. having experienced much pain with few people to love me without condition, it wasn’t always easy to trust God, but my Bible and worship made my relationship with God come to life. it gave me hope. only recently, i started asking God to show me where he was in my pain. the revelation was so great. the simple answer is, he has been with me all along. he was sad when i was sad, holding me and protecting me. this brought me so much healing that i did not know i needed.
in some pivotal moments, i’ve had to trust God for my next meal, and during that time, my faith was so tangible. in moments where i have wavered in my faith, or i have leaned on the side of doubt, i remember how God has never failed me and how honoring him with my life is the best thing i could do for me. today i am no longer surviving, but thriving, yet i remain resolved to invite God in the intimate places in my life. i’ve found so much healing in owning and reclaiming my story. i see more of God in retrospect because the pain was too great and clouding my vision. God will always take center stage in my story because without him, i am nothing.
PHYSICAL CARE
how has traveling changed the way you view yourself and the body you’re in when there are so many false narratives surrounding black people?
i was born and bred on a small island called grenada. with just about 100,000 people, we are more similar than we are different. as a teenager, i took a trip to the uk, and i encountered so many people who did not identify with my faith or other beliefs, and that was a culture shock for me. this experience sparked my interest in seeing more of the world and meeting more people who did not look like me, speak like me, or believe what i believed.
i love story-telling and good cultural exchange. one that’s mutual, respectful, genuine, and intentional because sometimes i am the only contact to someone else’s outside world. so when i travel, i am interested in also getting to know people on a deeper level.
as a black woman, when i travel with my big, long messy havana twists, i attract endless curious stares and sometimes unwanted stares from men. i am very comfortable in my skin and who i am when i enter new spaces where people don’t look like me, but when i travel solo, i have to be mindful of the self i bring into spaces where being a black woman is not normal. i am bold, and i am confident when i show up, but there are times when i’ll often question how to wear my hair to avoid unwanted stares so i can feel safe.
traveling showed me that being black is very special, and the more places i can visit, the more i am allowing others to know that black people are not a monolith. we are real, we are versatile, and we are phenomenal. many people have not seen someone like me in the flesh, so travel is also my form of resistance to how people see me at home and how others welcome me abroad.
how are you learning to affirm parts of your identity that have been suppressed or misunderstood?
to be understood is such a key human need, and frustration and blame can set in when that need goes unmet. i am learning to remove blame and frustration when i am misunderstood so i can be free from others' approval and opinion while still holding my own. i've learned to meet that need for myself because the truth is, i cannot change or control anyone's thoughts or beliefs, but i can change and control me. when i feel misunderstood, i check-in with my heart to identify what or where i feel unseen or unheard, and i use self-compassion and validation to tell myself that it sucks to be misunderstood, and it sucks to feel unseen. i remind my heart that she is seen and heard, and her opinion is valid. i tell myself, "it's okay if others don't get it, you've tried and that's, all that matters." the goal is not for me to prove myself right, but it's important i express how i feel and validate how i feel. i must honor what it cost me to have the courage to speak up and show up for me.
SELF-CARE
did you grow up appreciating or resenting your cultural roots, and has anything changed?
i absolutely love my cultural roots. i am a grenadian woman and i beam with pride when i see my flag or identify with someone from the island. while i migrated to the u.s. many years ago, not much has changed—my accent is intact, and i still mostly cook grenadian food. there are days where i still reminisce on how simple and free life is on the island, how some words in our dialect are so unique to grenadians, and that makes us a special group of people. how different the school system is to the u.s. and appreciating, even more, my early childhood education, how carnival is a celebration of our people, the emancipation and our freedom, and how the tune of soca and foreday morning jouvet evokes unity, a rhythm and a pride that i can’t really explain.
what has shifting between culturally contrasting environments taught you about embracing your dichotomies?
shifting between contrasting environments helped me discover one of my superpowers is being able to adapt and connect with people from all different walks of life and on various levels. being self-aware and culturally competent informs me of my audience—what i can expect, what i can give, and what needs can be met in these environments. some spaces i show up as friend, leader, colleague, traveler, story-teller, Jesus lover, woman, black—none of which defines me, so i always remain true to my identity, which is in the faith i so boldly profess no matter the hat i wear.
share a message from your future self to your present self.
hey mary girl, i see you, you’re so loved, and you’re doing better than you think you are. the pursuit of happiness is fleeting. it will cause you to sell yourself short of living a full life, so choose joy and run after it because it will remain, and you’ll live a full life.
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*this conversation is about how to find your identity.
